I am not deeply in love with my fiancé

August 10, 2022

Dear Pastor,

I am writing you for your advice. I am an avid reader of your column but this is the first time that I am writing to you. I am having a problem.

I am 24 years old and I am engaged but I am in a 'double mind'. I love my fiance but the love for him is not very strong. I only met him two years ago. Before we met I had a boyfriend and he and I were together for three years. I loved that man to the very ground he walked on and since we broke up, I have tried to get him out of my mind but I can't. He helped me in every way. He is 10 years older than I am and my people kept telling me that he was too old for me.

Finally, I listened to them and I told him that we should end our relationship. I couldn't tell him to his face. I called him on his phone and I thanked him for everything. I told him that we had to stop seeing each other. While I was on the phone with him, I started to cry. He told me to take good care of myself and said that I should go and see his mother and tell her that I was leaving him because my parents were not in favour of the relationship. I told him I would do so but I did not go. His mother loved me like her own daughter.

This guy that I am with now is only one year older than I am. He can't even walk in the shoes of my former boyfriend. I have tried to love him but the love that I have for him is weak.

I don't date anybody else and I spend weekends with him. He has proposed to me and said he would like to marry me by the end of 2022. I told him that we should think about it. But I am afraid that if we get married, I may cheat on him because my love is not strong.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have any other man in my life at the moment, but the strong feeling for him is not there. I spoke to my mother about it and she said it will grow, but my father said I should trust my feelings, and if the feelings are not there, I should not even think about marrying him because the man who he would love to give me away to must be a man I love. This guy has a good job and he comes from a good family but I don't love him as much as I should.

Pastor, please tell me what to do.


Dear R.T.,

I agree with your father. You should not marry your present fiance if you do not love him with your whole heart and soul. No one should try to prompt you to do so.

Your heart is not with this man. People sometimes ask how one can know that he or she is in love. The truth is, the one who is in love, knows. It is a matter of the heart and if your heart is not with this man, tell him so. If you are wearing an engagement ring, give it back to him. Whatever you have that will remind you of him all the time, give it back.

I know that you are 24 but you are still young. You will find a man that you will love and one who will want to be with you 24/7. You and this young man have been friends for two years and yet your love has not grown. So I say to you again, walk away from this relationship and please do so now.


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