Think I’m falling for my girlfriend’s cousin

Dear Pastor,

My girlfriend and I are 25. We are hoping to get married one day, but I am concerned about our relationship. I have never met anybody like her.

When I was 18, I fooled around with a much older woman. She took my virginity. We were together for two years, but she used to call me 'little boy' and I felt humiliated. When she wanted me to have sex in a certain way and I objected, she used to say, "That is why I shouldn't fall in love with a little boy."

One of the reasons why I was excited to have her as my girlfriend was because nobody suspected us; she was 40. Whenever I pleased her, she always gave me money. I used to save the money. She was an educated woman, but her husband accused her of being 'bad'. That is what my father told me her husband said. He left her because she went on holiday in England one summer, and my father said she got involved with a man up there. The man was my father's friend. I did not tell this lady what I heard.

One Valentine's Day, this woman bought some wine and she decorated the place with candles. When I went there and we ate and had drinks, she insisted that I perform a certain type of sex with her. She tried to force me, but it didn't work. I left the place and the gift, and I never returned.

Now I am having a problem with this girl who I would like to marry. She doesn't want me to touch her in certain places, not even on her breasts. She refuses to have sex with me before we are married. We had sex, but I had to put on some pressure. We had sex the night after we got engaged. Her biggest argument is that I may leave her and find another girl, and she does not want to move around with men and for every man to know about her.

Whenever I hug her and touch her breast, she pulls my hand away. It is worse if I go below her navel. She does not want to be pampered. Love, for her, is just telling her words. I used to send flowers for her, but she told me that I was wasting my money and we are going to need that money, so I should stop.

I am feeling guilty because I have been talking to one of her cousins and she is into me. I gave her a ride home, and it did not take her long to start touching my legs. She told me that she has been admiring me for a long time. She told my girlfriend that she was fortunate to have me. My girlfriend believes that we are having a relationship, but it has not reached that stage yet. Every time I think of this girl, I think of her touching my legs, and I wonder if it is wrong to leave my girlfriend for her cousin. My girlfriend does not show any affection and I am starving for it. I got lots of that from the older woman. Please give me your advice.

A.R.

Dear A.R.,

The question is, does your girlfriend love you? You seem to love her, but if you don't feel that deep love in your inner being for her, then you should not even think of marrying her.

You mentioned the type of sex that this older woman wanted to have with you, but I would not say what it is. Your present girlfriend does not want to be pampered. Perhaps that comes from her religious upbringing. My question is, why did her cousin feel that you were a good catch? Does she not know that you and her cousin are intimate? Perhaps she does not care. But you ought to care, and when she was touching your legs, you should have told her that you did not appreciate that because you are having an intimate relationship with her cousin. Now, you say you are constantly thinking about her cousin and you feel that you might be falling in love with her. Perhaps it is not love at all. Perhaps it is pure lust. Remember, in a relationship there ought to be boundaries.

I suggest that you and your girlfriend should make an appointment to see a family counsellor and discuss your problem. After seeing the counsellor, you will see whether or not you are wasting your time in this relationship.

Pastor