Husband still using a condom after three years

Dear Pastor,

I am in my early 30s and I have been married for three years. I used to have sex regularly with different men, so I protected myself from pregnancy by taking the pill.

Before I got married, I told my then fiance that we did not have to use the condom because I was on the pill. He was doing postgraduate work and he said that he would not take the risk of having sex with me and not protect himself, so he used the condom.

He asked me how often I had sex. I lied and told him every three months or so, but that was not true. I was having sex at least once or twice per month because I was receiving help to pay for my car and mortgage. There was one man who was my regular sex partner. I could not resist him because at times he would just pay the mortgage.

When I met the man who is now my husband, this guy refused to break up with me. I shall never forget how I had to cry and beg him not to visit me any more. He told me that he was going to break up my relationship. But he did not carry out his plans. So I was able to get married. But it seems as if my husband is still suspicious of me. He is still using the condom and I am just tired of his lack of trust in me.

I went to my gynaecologist and I am free from sexual transmitted diseases. I destroyed the condoms my husband had in the drawer and he was very angry. I know I have made mistakes but what can I do to show my husband that I am for real? Since we got engaged, he has been helping me with the payments on my house. I miss the other guy who paid the full amount. I know my husband would die if I told him that the other fellow who I broke up with was a better lover.

I want to have a child, but my husband told me that he is not ready for one yet. I can tell anybody that having sex with a man who always uses a condom robs his partner of pleasure. I would like to know what to do to stop my husband from using the condom. Since I destroyed the ones in his draw, he bought some new ones and he threatened that if I destroyed those, he was going to 'break me up'. I know he is not serious by that threat, so give me your advice.

A.R.

Dear A.R.,

I believe that I have not heard the whole truth. I accept that you were having sex regularly and that you were doing so with different men.

I accept also that these men were helping you financially. I accept that you were protecting yourself by taking the pill. But what I don't accept is that the man you married does not have any reason to be worried. You told him that you were having sex infrequently and you know that that was a lie. He knows that you were lying too.

Although he married you, this man is not totally comfortable with you. Therefore you shouldn't push him to do anything he does not want to do. Allow the man to use the condom until he is fully comfortable going bareback with you. You want to get pregnant but he is not ready. If you try to control this man to do whatever you want him to do, you will lose him. He will walk away from you.

I don't believe that you are a bad woman; however, you are not using common sense. So show this man much love and appreciation. Take good care of him and don't push him over the cliff. I hope you understand what I mean.

Pastor