Four years together but still no ring

Dear Pastor,

I am in my mid-30s. I continue to read your column every week. I am not married, but I have been living with a man for the past four years.

I have a child, but the man is not the father. He treats her very well and nobody would know that he is not her biological father. When he took me with this child, I did not know what to expect. This man is 41. He also has a daughter. Sometimes his daughter spends holidays with us. Very often he gives me money to take both girls shopping. The last time he did that was in August. His daughter is very bright.

This man makes enough money to send our daughters to prep school. I have a concern now because I would like to get married. I asked him when we would and he asked me what the hurry is. I told him there is no hurry, but he should consider that we have been together for four years. I asked him if he has been seeing another girl and if that's why he is reluctant to marry me. He said that if he had seen another girl, he would tell me, but if I have seen another man and I want to go, he would not tie my feet.

I don't intend to start another relationship because this man treats me well. But in a few years, I will be 40 and I would love to have another child. When I asked him whether he wants to have another child, he said he has two already - our daughters. I cannot give him any good reason why I would want another child except that I always wanted two children. He bought a townhouse. He wants to sell it because it only has two bedrooms. His father assisted him in buying the place. Only his name is on the title, so I do not have any claim on the house. He can be very spiteful. He knows that I can't do without him so sometimes when he is upset with me, he does not talk to me for days and I can't deal with that. Other than that, he is a very good partner.

I go to church. I am a Roman Catholic. He does not attend church. His parents are Church of God. Whenever he is ready to go to church, he said he would go to the Church of God where his parents took him as a child. But he has never stopped me from attending the Catholic Church. I really want to get married, but I am not pushing this man to marry me. I just don't want him to find another woman and leave me in the cold.

E.P.

Dear E.P.,

It seems to me that you are living with a good man, but I can see why you would want to get married.

I am glad that he has accepted your daughter as his very own. I am also glad that his daughter occasionally spends time with you at his house. You are a wise woman to treat his child as your very own. I hope that you won't push the issue of marriage, but you should mention it occasionally because if you don't, he may get the impression that you are comfortable living with him in concubinage.

This man told you that he grew up in the Church of God. He is not prepared to change churches, nor is he asking you to change church either. I hope both of you will deal with that when you decide to get married. I recognise that there are major doctrinal teachings in these two denominations. Therefore, during premarital counselling, these things will have to be discussed. This man intends to have a solid family, so I hope that both of you can live in unity and that you take care of the children. He does not intend to father more children, so be wise and don't make that an issue.

Pastor